Purple Heart.

According to the clock at the right of my screen it is now 5:14 a.m., meaning my all night shift is drawing to a close. I do believe i can hold out for another hour and fifteen minutes. I have no clue why but for some reason i have one emotion/feeling stuck in the back of my mind, trying to wrestle it's way to the surface. The word is NUMB. I myself, am not in that current state but i cant help but notice the more i look around me the more i see people experiencing or trying to experience the feeling of numbness. And it makes me wonder. I've been there myself, many times actually. To the point where you feel like you've had all you can handle, and now you don't want to feel anymore. Where you will do whatever it takes to get to the point of no feeling what so ever. But why? Think about it for a minute or two, there are other feelings out there other than pain, so why block all of them out? I am a firm believer now more than ever that feeling is what got me to where I'm at now. Compassion, Love, Anger,Frustration,Hurt,Happiness,Joy......so many different emotions have pulsed throughout my entire body, sometimes more than one at once. And I've decided, emotion is a beautiful thing. Without it, who are we? There are time's when I thought that everything I had was gone forever only to see someone else experiencing circumstances far worse than my own forcing me to snap out of the trance I had created. This passed week I was snowed in at work, and my first night I had to sleep on this fold out "cot" and I had a carton of milk and a bag of cheese its and I was in the far corner of this hospital room and all I could think about was,"Is this how it feels to stay in a shelter?", only then did I think about how cold it was outside and how the temperature was dropping by the minute and I then began to think about how Veteran's across Arkansas were sleeping under bridges with newspapers for blankets, bearing their purple hearts with honor. And I cried. In the hospital room I cried, my selflessness took over and i couldn't get them out of my mind, needless to say I didn't get any sleep that night.(The hard "cot" i was trying to sleep on may have attributed to that as well.) Our emotions are what makes us human, they're part of life, without them we might as well be androids powered by computers incapable of anything tangible. I don't know what this was meant to be. It turned into a rant, but what can I say, I feel better.

Damaged.

Damaged, a word that I've used to describe myself on occasion. It's a terrible feeling, when you feel tossed aside, or discarded like the mess people throw out after a major holiday. Loneliness takes over, and the darkness clouds your view of any light at the end of the tunnel. Making you believe that there never will be anything brighter than the shades of gray and black that you're allowing to consume you. At this point you have two choices, give in to the darkness and proceed to hurt, or push through the darkness. Eventually there will be light, it may not be right at the beginning, and it may not come quickly but its there. I've recently had to make the choice, either mope around and be sad or do something about the way i feel. I'm not going to lie, I'm still not sleeping well but I've never exactly been on a proper sleep schedule. But it will get better. I have to believe that. There are so many more things i could be doing with my time besides being sad or upset about something that hasn't ruined my life. So 2011 is going to be a year of rebuilding, growing, maturing, and I'm not going to let anything get me down......Neither should you.

The Main Event....

And tonight, the main event!

Well today i should say. Considering that it is 8:18 in the morning on Christmas day. Im awake way earlier than anyone with my kind of insomnia ever should be. But i digress. The Blank Canvas. My blog, my space if you will, to write(type) my thoughts on whatever i want. What a crazy idea to think that Ms. 1 in a million would have anything interesting to say. If you only knew me, and those of you who truely do wont be shocked by this at all. Maybe i should start by explaining the title. "The Blank Canvas", its me, its you, or it could be you in this new year. A time to start over. Which is what its going to be for me, a new beginning. At least that's what I'm going to try and make it. What about you? I'm going to make this a place for answers, and opinions. If you have them, i'll take them. Of course it may end up that the only people reading this are my friends and family but who knows. Maybe you stumbled upon it while googling how to keep your ficus alive. Side note and personal opinion if you've never been able to keep a plant alive before, go with the artificial decorative plants. If you have a green thumb proceed with caution, ficus trees aren't that pretty anyways. Now on to what i have on my mind for today. It's Christmas, spend it with family. If you find that you don't have family spend it with friends. Life is too short not to spend the holidays alone, you should celebrate them all no matter what you believe in. Holidays were made to celebrate something, generally they're  celebrated with a huge group of people who all annoy each other but love but love each other despite the bickering and cheek pinching. At least that's how my holidays go. I have a giant family/extended family and let me tell ya the holidays aren't easy but i love them! Last night i spent time at my aunt B's house with my moms family. We had to move the festivities to here house because we needed the space. MiMi's living room was getting a little cramped. Our family is big, we're loud, and believe me we're obnoxious but we love each other. Which makes for a great round or two of dirty Santa. Good food, good fun, and some great presents. But all good things must come to an end and as the evening began to close, i looked around and just smiled. Taking in everything as it was. Beautiful chaos as always. Today will be a little more laid back hopefully. I'm currently at work, pulling the 6:30-2:30 p.m. so that my friend could have the morning off to spend with her daughter. So after work the festivities begin again. Christmas at Mom's with my brothers and sister, then on to Dads house to see my other sister and niece.  My bed will be calling my name when this is all said and done. But I'll love every minute of it because they're my family! So I do believe i have rambled on enough for today. Tomorrow is a new one so take it as it comes. One step at a time. Until we meet again. Have a Merry Christmas, how ever you celebrate it!


JB